17th November, 2008

Part One
Written by Mark Burt	Directed by Kay Patrick

It's the day of Hayley's return from Africa, and Roy can barely contain his excitement. Yeah, that was sarcasm. You know Roy. Becky's made a welcome home sign. “And before you ask... them is lions.” She asks who's coming to the party, and Roy says they'd both prefer a minimum of fuss.

David didn't sleep well last night. Those Windass nightmares will do that to you. But he's pretty sure if they were going to try something, they would have done it already. Tina overhears them talking and asks why Graeme has to “have his back.” Graeme comes up with a quick lie and says that David's too scared to ask her if they can have a boys night out. She says David's free to do what he likes when he likes.

Molly reminds Tyrone that they're meeting up with her dad tonight to decide on a cake for the wedding, and asks him not to forget. He doesn't seem too excited, and makes it clear that he'd much rather spend some more time at the gym. Remember, “the gym” is just his cover for making some shady money with Auntie Pam in order to give Molly an amazing wedding. He says he has to go the gym tonight because he's not really a morning kind of person. “I wouldn't say that, babe.” She gives him a cute smile and a kiss, and she's off to work.

While setting up outside Roy's, Becky sees Steve, and runs through the rain shouting for him to wait. He tells her to pipe down. They're supposed to be keeping things quiet. She's a little freaked, and asks when he wants to meet. They have to go through their story one more time before he sees her lawyer. Becky's ex, Jason, drives by in his truck, and says good morning to her. She tells him to “BUG OFF!” Steve is mad that she's told Jason off in front of him. If she doesn't quit being so obvious about everything, one or both of them might be spending quite a bit of time in jail. If he thinks she's gonna start being nice to Jason, he's got another thing coming. If it weren't for Jason cheating on her, she never would have gotten wasted and gone on her drunken vandalism spree.

Becky runs back across the street to Roy's, with Jason watching.

Joe shows up late to pick up David for work. He can't stay long. He's got a few perspective customers this morning. He might have to give David a few days off, because if he doesn't land every one of these jobs, he won't be able to pay him, let alone take his mum away this weekend. Joe shows him a slight problem with the check the Windasses gave them. It's signed “Santa Claus.” He reckons they should go round their place and apologize. David says they've got nothing to apologize for, the Windasses are in the wrong here. But being right never ones paid the bills, says Joe.

Roy can't decide whether he should make Hayley a traditional African dish he's found in a cookbook, or if she'd prefer something “quintessentially British in origin.” Becky tells him to get a move on to the airport. He doesn't want to be late picking up Hayley. “Oh, and Royston, if you want to remind her of Africa, wear sommat... HOT.” ;-)

Darryl's all dressed up for work today. His mum tells him she can handle things for the day, but he doesn't quite trust her. She says she gives a 100% to this job. “Yeah, right,” says Darryl. “20% on Monday, 20% on Tuesday...” Some girl walks into the shop. She seems to know Darryl, and asks if he was hallucinating when he bought the tie. Amber runs in after her, and gives Darryl a kiss. The girl is Minnie. She and Amber met at college. She's gonna show her the new flat. Minnie keeps giving him a hard time, and Amber jokingly asks her to leave him alone. Minnie says “No promises,” and seductively blows a bubble in his direction. Wow... what a whore.

Jason's telling Michelle how brutal Becky was with him this morning. Michelle thinks he kind of deserves it. Jason can't believe she'd say that. It was Michelle who told him to come clean about his phone-affair with his ex-wife, Sarah. He just wishes Becky would talk to him. Michelle suggests that if he's really got something important to tell her, he'll just have to find a way to make her listen.

Len and Gary Windass are parked on the street arguing the merits of online poker, when they see Joe and David return from a job.

David's giving Joe a hard time, saying the last woman was “gagging” for him. His mum might have some competition. David runs across to the Kabin to grab them some drinks, and the Windasses see their opportunity.

Becky inspects Roy's outfit before she lets him set out to pick up Hayley. For the most part, she approves. She grabs a large bouquet of flowers she's bought and stashed under the counter. “Go and fetch your lady home.”

Len pops up behind Joe as he's on the phone with a customer. He lets Joe know who he is and why he's there. He tells Gary to grab his tools, and he takes ALL of them. “Consider this compensation.” As far as he's concerned, they're squared away. “Don't make us come back.” David walks out of the Kabin just in time to see them drive off.

David feels horrible for what's happened, and he suggests they call the police. What good would that do. Threatening the Windasses in the first place was illegal. When will Joe ever catch a break? Joe goes to rest his eyes for a bit, and David gives Tina a call at work. He tells her to get home as soon as she can.

Over at Dev's flat, he's on the phone with someone, and we hear the tail-end of a conversation in which he says he's got “plans for Jerry's.” Amber, Darryl, and Minnie come in, and Amber introduces her to Dev, who says she's welcome to stay as long as she likes. She blows a bubble at Dev too. >_> Darryl sits Dev down and tells him he's got some exciting new advertising ideas for the kabob shop.

Molly tells Tyrone they'll probably be trying a lot of cakes tonight, so he shouldn't stuff his face beforehand. His six-pack will have to go on hold. “You mean like forever?” asks an eavesdropping Jason. Molly assures him that Tyrone's at the gym four nights a week, and Jason asks what kind of training he's doing. Tyrone awkwardly makes up an answer, and Jason gets in one more fat joke before leaving. Molly tells him not to listen to him. He looks great... but maybe he should leave the cake tasting to her. She doesn't want all that work to go to waste.

Darryl's brilliant new advertising strategy is online pre-ordering for kabobs and burgers. Dev plays along with it, but keeps looking at his watch. When the doorbell rings, he's there in a flash. Amber watches Darryl in admiration. She's so happy her dad likes him now. It's Tara at the door. She's in tears. Dev tells the kids they're going to need some privacy.

Tina's home, and she's ENGRAGED. The guys have told her someone broke into the van, and stole the tools, but that they didn't see anything. These things always happen to them. She's about ready to kill someone. Gail comes home for lunch, and Tina tells her what's happened. Gail doesn't see what the big deal is. She's sorry it's happened, but they must have already called the police, and the tools were insured... right? “...You know what I'm like with paperwork.” This just sets Tina off again, and she swears, when she catches the person who did this, they're going to regret it.

Tara apologizes for barging in and letting Amber see her like this. Dev tries to calm her down and asks her what happened. Tara ran into her ex in London when she was picking things up from her flat. He'd been drinking, and they got into a fight. Dev says if he's laid a finger on her... but she swears nothing like that happened. Her ex had told her he'd had an affair, which she knew. But he told her he'd had one... with her mother. Dev goes instantly distant. Apparently the affair started at Christmas, and went on for a few months. They'd go away on “dirty weekends” together when she was on a business trip. And he had the nerve to say that her mother had seduced HIM. It sickens her to think of all the time she spent confiding in her mother after the break-up. Dev is speechless.

Amber's worried about Tara. Something terrible must have happened. Darryl says that whatever it is, he's sure Dev can sort it. Amber's thrilled that Darryl thinks so much of her dad. Darryl's mum, Theresa, comes in, and is uncommonly nice to Amber. She tells Darryl he's really hit the jackpot with her and her father. He should break the family tradition, and not screw it up.

Tara's really beating herself up for not noticing what was going on right under her nose. Dev says she can't start doubting herself now. She's so relieved Dev's there for her. He can hardly make eye-contact with her, but he assures her he's not going anywhere. He asks if she's been to see her mother yet, and she says that's next on her to-do-list. He's obviously trying to keep her from going, but can't make up an excuse to get her to stay. She just wants him to promise he'll be there for her when she gets back.

The bus drops Roy back off at home, but he's alone. Hayley wasn't on the plane, and he's very worried. Becky tries to convince him she's just missed the plane or sommat. But wouldn't she have called to let them know?

Auntie Pam pokes her head around the corner, and beckons Tyrone over. She's got a whole duffel bag full of mens' undergarments to sell. Tyrone tells her he can't. He's got to go see Molly's dad tonight, but Pam convinces him. He wants to see his bride in the horse-drawn carriage of her dreams, doesn't he? Pam promises she'll have him back in two hours, five pubs max. A brief in and out, excuse the pun.

Tina's not going to take this lying down. First thing tomorrow, she's gonna hit all the pawn shops to see if she can find her dads tools, and then track down who stole them. The boys try to talk her out of it, and Graeme ends up blabbing about David threatening the Windasses. David says he kept it from her so as not to worry her. He only did it for her dad. He worked his butt off on that job. “This was about revenge, right?” asks Tina. “They're dead meat.

Part Two
Written by Jayne Hollinson	Directed by Kay Patrick

Later that night, David and Graeme follow Tina out to the car. She's going over to the Windasses to have it out with them. She can't drive, so she's going to make David get her there. Besides, he's the one that got them in this mess in the first place.

Rita tells Emily that Hayley must be back in town by now, and asks if she's going over to see her tonight. Emily can't go, unfortunately. She's promised she'll help at the hospital cafe. Rita says she puts them all to shame, but Emily won't hear any of it. Rita puts up with Norris all day. That pretty much guarantees her of sainthood. She asks Rita to give Hayley her love. Norris gives Theresa a hard time about reading a magazine she doesn't plan on paying for. He says it's a pity she didn't go to Spain with the rest of her family. While putting the magazine back on the shelf, contest-junkie Norris notices a prize that's actually worth winning, a chance to meet Sir Cliff Richard next time he's playing in Manchester. But the entries have to be emailed in by tonight. Rita says she's off to see Hayley, and Norris begins gathering up every copy of the magazine they have. He's going to increase his odds. He doesn't plan on paying for them, but he'll return them... tomorrow.

Ashley and his boys are waiting at Roy's for Hayley to show up, and Becky promises them she'll be there soon. Roy's on the phone with the airline, but he's getting the runaround, and he's getting really frustrated. Rita arrives to find out Hayley hasn't shown yet, and Becky assures her she's only missed her plane. Rita's relieved. It gives her a longer break away from Norris. Becky makes her way over to Molly to take her plate, and notices all the pictures of cakes. She's supposed to be looking them over with Tyrone, if he ever shows up. “Blokes,” says Becky. “They're not concerned with all that. They only care about the nookie afterwards.” “Well, which one would you choose?” says Molly, motioning toward the cakes.” “I suppose you're right... I'd go for the nookie.”

While Dev's busy helping a customer in his shop, Nina barges in. She wants a word, NOW. She's just had a big fight with Tara. He asks her to go through to the back. As he follows her, Amber comes into the shop and finds it empty. She hears them arguing through the door. Nina is furious, thinking Dev encouraged Tara to come confront her. He asks her how she could cheat with her own daughter's boyfriend. Nina calls Dev a hypocrit, but he says it was different. He didn't meet Tara until after he'd broken things off with Nina. Nina wants him to swear he'll never tell Tara about them. Only weeks ago, she'd been threatening to go public about their relationship, but now she says Tara is her only child, and she doesn't want to lose her. Dev assures her he has no intention of telling her. Nina thanks Dev and makes her exit. Amber goes back to work as to not look suspicious, but puts her ear back to the door just in time to hear Dev calling Tara to ask how things went. He tells her not to cry, and that she can come and stay with them as long as she needs.

Out on the street, a bus rounds the corner to reveal... Hayley! She's home, suitcase in hand, and nervously approaches Roy's. She stands outside for a moment and takes a breath.

Everyone's looking at their watches with their backs to door when Hayley enters, but as soon as Becky sees her, she runs over to give her a hug. She only missed her flight. Hayley's surprised to see Ashley's boys have grown so much since she last saw them. Becky yells up the stairs to Roy, and he comes down to find Hayley home. He gives her a hug. She tells him she's lost one of her bags, and Roy begins to go on a rant about the airline, but Becky stops him, and he tells Hayley he's so relieved to have her home. Hayley wasn't expecting such a welcoming committee, but Rita says they weren't going to miss her homecoming. Becky gives her a card that all the girls at Underworld came in to sign. Hayley loves her welcome home banner, especially the HIPPOS. It was a 23 hour flight and she's awfully jet-lagged, so Roy gets her backpack off, and they start to head upstairs. Norris enters and is all excited to read Rita his Cliff Richard poem for the contest. He couldn't care less that Hayley's there. Rita asks how he's there? Could it be that he's closed the Kabin early? She pushes him out the door.

David and Graeme follow a furious Tina as she runs up to the Windass' door and starts to bang on it. They say she's just going to make things worse for all of them, but she doesn't care. If they're both so scared, they can go wait in the car.

Theresa passes Jason on the street. He's looking at some flower bouquets outside a shop. He says they're for his ex-girlfriend. “Your fault or hers?” asks Theresa. Jason says it was his fault, and she tells him he's going to need more than one bunch. He grabs another another, but she still doesn't look satisfied. When he's grabbed two more, she says now she'll know he cares. He thanks her, and as she leaves, she grabs one of the four bunches out of his hands. “Call it a tip.”

Back at the Windass' place, Tina's looking through the window. It doesn't look like they're in. She kicks the door, and says it's not fair. David starts to lead her back to the car. He tries to reassure her by saying this will give them some time to plan what to do. Just then, they notice Graeme's gone. He pops his head out the front door, and asks what they're waiting for. He's broken in through the back, and he's already got one cabinet door pried off. Tina kisses his cheek and heads in.

Tyrone and Pam are power-walking over to Roy's, and he's not happy. He's late, but Pam assures him that they've made some good money, enough to buy one horse for the carriage. “One horseshoe, more like,” says Tyrone. Pam says she's got to go. She doesn't want Molly to see her. She hands Tyrone his backpack, messes up his hair a bit, and splashes a little of her drink on his face to look like he's been sweating. “Where have you been??” asks Molly. Tyrone apologizes for getting carried away with his weights. They were supposed to meet her dad an hour ago, and she's mad because it looks like he's forgotten to shower, and he stinks.

The demolition of the Windass' kitchen is in full swing, as they tear it apart piece by piece and chuck it into the back yard. Graeme's trying to pry off a cabinet door with a crowbar, and Tina asks David if he's going to give him a hand, or just stand there. He picks up a hammer and starts to whack at a cabinet. “I guess there's no going back now!” They all cheer.

Hayley comes downstairs. She's all changed, and looks much happier. Roy's made her a cup of tea. She's very excited. That's something she's really missed. She says their place seems bigger than she remembered. It's massive compared to what she where she was staying in Africa. Roy apologizes for the state of the place. He's been trying to get Becky to clean up after herself, but it seems futile. Hayley's noticed Roy's had a lock installed on the bathroom door. A necessity, he says. He says it's good to have her back, and she agrees it's good to be back.

Becky's cleaning up the diner when she hears someone enter. Without looking who it is, she tells them they're closed. “I know,” says Jason. “Thought it'd be easier without an audience.” He's stood there with three bouquets of flowers. She notices he's taken all the stickers off. Three for the price of one? He promises he payed full price for them. She says he's wasted his money. He tells her he'll do anything if she'll just forgive him. Anything? She wants him to eat the flowers, every last petal. He gives her a look like 'you're joking, right?' So much for undying devotion. There IS one thing he can do. “Bug off.” She's got to close up, but tells him he can leave the flowers. She grabs them from him and tosses them on a table. Jason smiles at that and makes his exit. Once he's gone, she picks them up one by one, smiling as she does, and hugs them.

Tina and Graeme continue to tear cabinets off the wall, and David asks if they should be going. The Windasses could be home any minute. Tina says they're not going until they've destroyed every last bit.

At the hospital cafe, Emily is recognized by one of the patients, an old man who knows her by a last name she hasn't used for a long time. She doesn't recognize him, so he introduces himself as Jed Stone. He can understand why she wouldn't recognize him. Time has been a lot kinder to her. They haven't seen each other in 40 years. He's in the hospital for a mild stroke. He asks if she can have someone stand in for her so she can join him for dinner. She'd be delighted.

Becky's all dressed up for a night out. She gives the three bouquets to Hayley, and double-checks that she's still okay with her lodging with them now that she's back. Hayley says it's fine. Becky assures the two “lovebirds” that she won't be back early, so they've got the place to themselves. RAWR! Becky runs her makeup past Roy. “Laters!” says Roy as she leaves. Hayley looks shocked, but he assures her he never says it in public. Roy tells Hayley there's a jug in the cupboard she can put the flowers in, but when she looks concerned, he realizes she's worried about the amount of water they'll take. Her time in Africa has made her appreciate how much they take water for granted. He's worried that the flowers were a thoughtless choice, but she assures him they were a lovely romantic gesture and that she really appreciates them. It's just a case of making adjustments.

The last piece of kitchen cabinetry is in a pile in the back yard, but before they can leave, Graeme just has to make the “finishing touches.”

Tara and Dev are discussing things over dinner, and she's still in shocked that her mother stormed out on HER. God only knows where she went. Dev tells her to forget about it. Amber comes in, and Dev checks with her to see if it's okay for Tara stays with them for a little while. She says it's fine, and asks if Tara is alright now. She says she's great now thanks to Dev. She doesn't know what she'd do without him.

Graeme pours gasoline all over the cabinet pile. “Combustibility” is the only long word he knows. Tina's laughing up a storm, but David wants to go. He doesn't want three fire engines showing up, as that's how many it took to put out Graeme's mum's house. He says he's honed his skills since then. He can do small. A ten foot tall column of fire erupts, and they all laugh.

Emily and Jed talk about old times, like his stay in jail. He promises he went straight after he got out. He says he never married, but he did settle down, until this property developer came in and threw him out. A man by the name of... Tony Gordon. That's what caused his stroke.

Molly and Tyrone come home to find Auntie Pam's let herself in, as usual. Molly tells her they decided on a cake, but she feels bad because her dad won't let them pay, and he really can't afford it. Pam says it's amazing how you can find the pennies if you're determined enough. Molly tells Tyrone to go and take a shower, and says she'll put his stuff in the wash. She opens his backpack before he can stop her and finds that it's empty. Tyrone awkwardly says that he had to leave his stuff at the gym because he was in such a rush. He goes to take a shower. Molly asks Pam if she thinks Tyrone would lie to her. Pam says of course not, and Molly feels stupid for doubting him.

Graeme and Tina stand in front of the fire, admiring it, and he says the worst thing the Romans ever did was invent central heating. David hears a car door slam and goes through to the front of the house to check it out. They're back! The three of them leg it for the car. Mrs. Windass freaks out when she sees the cabinet-pyre. “What the flaming hell is happening???” Gary runs them. “That's what you get for messing with my dad!” Tina yells back to him. David starts up the car, and they tear down the street, laughing all the way.